Wednesday 27 July 2011

Granville Sessions : Pubsteppin'

Big up the big man Aaron Jackson, not only is dude a top notch writer for Knowledge Magazine (www.kmag.co.uk) who has also been kind enough to feature yours truly in the publication, but he is also a certified bad man with the bars alongside his cohorts in Granville Sessions, a crew local to myself in the dutty streets south of the river. Be sure to check their debut LP 'No State' being released through Brixton based Trinity Music on 1st August 2011. See below for the video and further info on the crew.

(Video made by Chris Hugall)

"Since forming in the summer of 2008 Granville Sessions have supported the likes of Necro,Coki, Congo Natty, Kashmere, Stig of The Dump, Tenor Fly, and many more established acts. The band pride themselves on their live show and deliver a weighty combination of sample based productions and live instrumentation. The sound draws on a wide range of influences and is constantly evolving, Hip Hop is definitely the foundation of their sound but dont be suprised if you hear elements of Reggae, Jungle and even Afro Beat along the way. In terms of vocals the bands three MCs; Mnsr Frites, Luca Brazi and The Archetype, endeavour to honour the tradition of MCing through their work. Many topics are covered; some jovial, some serious. In short, they're a must-see for any live Hip Hop fan."


Monday 25 July 2011


Available for FREE DOWNLOAD right NOW!!!!!!! ----> http://enlish.bandcamp.com

Despite the fact that in the UK the summer seems to have decided not to happen this year, you can still enjoy it with the help of your ears, your imagination, and preferably some alcohol, weed and burned meat.

If the summer does ever start, bump this. It will make it a lot better.



released 25 July 2011
F.U. Music Presents : Enlish - The Sunny EP

1. 'Intro'. Produced by Ruff Snippets. Cuts by Ruff Snippets & Headnod.

2. 'A Hard Days Work'. Produced by The Evil Sun

3. 'Sunny'. Produced by Wizard. Cuts by Jimmy Penguin.

4. 'Untitled'. Featuring Joker Starr & Dabbla (LDZ). Produced by KD. Additional production by Jimmy Penguin.

5. Ruff Snippets Interlude. Produced by Ruff Snippets.

6. 'We Go'. Featuring Ceezlin. Produced By Mad Hatter.

7. 'Gold'. Featuring Rebecca Stephens, Dr Syntax and Verb T. Produced by Verb T.

All tracks mastered by Jimmy Penguin.

Artwork courtesy of www.bukioe.com

DOWNLOAD - http://enlish.bandcamp.com


Friday 22 July 2011

Immediate Post Break-Up Ebay Auction

This is hilarious mainly due to the fact that dude seems pretty good humoured/is not suicidal. The Q & A's are priceless too, but they take up too much room.

"If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can't be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me - Oh how extravagant of her -"Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I'll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve" By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that's what I said she should be in the circus. "Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart"

I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend's body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus - LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

PS - As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident."

The Karate Kid Chronicles Vol. 2

John Kreese. Everybody hated this dude, without exception. When I was a kid I thought he was the embodiment of pure evil, not only because he encouraged the Cobra Kai students to be absolute pricks at any and every given opportunity, but because as a very young man he scared the shit out of me. As Mr Miyagi said himself - "No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher. Teacher say, student do." Sounds like my first driving instructor, although that’s a different story entirely. I still hate both of them, but probably Kreese just a little bit more.

Anyway, from day dot it became plainly obvious to me that there was nothing worse in this world than a bad Karate teacher. Luckily, my Karate teacher was not an inherently evil, psychologically imbalanced sociopath, so I was safe , but it is a shame to say that not all of us were so fortunate. An unjust, hilarious shame.

Take my boy Birdseye for example. He recently got married and this particular story formed part of my best man's speech at the wedding reception. At the tender age of 14 he began his Karate schooling under the watchful eye of one 'Sensei' Richard Millen at the Millen Kai Dojo, spurred on by a fascination with 'the way of the open hand' and, as is usually the case, the urge to become a super badass chop socky dude, contrary to all of the rules and policies involved in taking Karate seriously. However, after a period of two years intensive study, it must have been quite obvious that Birdseye was more than dedicated to the art, attending the dojo 3 or 4 times a week and sometimes more in an effort to become an unstoppable killing machine/master of mind, body and spirit.

Having amassed a number of impressive accolades over the years, including both regional and national Karate championship competition wins to help solidify his position and standing as a black belt master of the art, it is somewhat bizarre that some of Sensei Millen's dubious teaching techniques did not warrant a number of raised eyebrows from both the students and, in many cases, the parents of the students who attended the dojo on a weekly basis.

One of these methods, as I have been told, involved Sensei Millen picking a student at random who was subsequently blindfolded and then made to stand in the centre of a ring of other students. Once in place, the circle of students were then instructed to attack the blindfolded student at random and without warning, with Sifu instructing the blindfoldee to use their natural instinct and chi energy to deflect the attacks without using their sight. Imagine Luke in Star Wars Episode IV trying to deflect the laser blasts from the remote droid on the Millennium Falcon with the blast shield on his helmet down, then multiply the remote droid by 7 or 8 and you begin to get the picture. You then multiply this technique by X amount of days, adding in any other amount of bizarre 'training techniques' and then spread the entire experience over 2 years. Sounds pretty fucking bizarre, doesn't it?

Fast forward to age 16 and in a conscientious effort to ace his GCSE's, young padawan Birdseye decides to take a break from his gruelling schedule at the dojo to focus on his studies. Then, fast forward again another 2 months or so to imagine a young, fresh-out-of-exams Birdseye rocking up to the dojo to continue his studies and emphatically "finish what he started." THEN, imagine his surprise when he finds the dojo to have been shut down. Permanently.

Funnily enough, it would later transpire that 'Sensei' Richard Millen had not, in fact, achieved any of the accolades that he had boasted of, not only including his competition wins but more critically his grading of black belt and therefore his legal and moral position to in fact teach Karate at all. Basically, Millen knew about as much about Karate as your grandmother (assuming your grandmother is not a master of Karate, of course) and had fabricated his entire back story to make money through the exploitation of unassuming and eager students. I mean, defending yourself, blindfolded, in a ring of random attackers? Maybe a lifelong Shaolin monk could do that, but even then maybe not. I'd like to know what the fuck was going through his mind and if, at any point, he felt any remorse or guilt for what he was doing.

Despite the fact that Birdseye was able laugh this whole situation off, others were not so lucky, having studied under Millen for many years before being led to believe that they really were black belts. I can't imagine how absolutely soul-crushingly devastating that realisation must have been. Needless to say, Sensei Millen was very quickly tried and subsequently convicted of committing fraud on a major (yet very unusual scale) and was consequently sent to jail, never to be heard of again. It was then his turn to experience the words 'attack' and 'ring' on a daily basis, although in a far more intrusive way.

So, its back to the wisdom of Mr Miyagi. "No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher." At least Kreese actually knew Karate.

Saturday 16 July 2011

The Vintage Vaults - Nike Hoop Heroes

Does anyone remember this line of clothing? I remember copping these when I was about 12 or 13 on a trip to Malta with the fam. The hat is classic 90's, i.e. a sickly combination of organic and pastel colours that make you want to hurl, but seeing as Scottie Pippen and Charles Barkley were two of my favourite players alongside MJ I appreciated that they were given the same amount of shine on this clothing line. This holiday and the subsequent purchases came shortly after Scottie Pippen took the MVP award at the 1994 All Star game, a game I remember very well for 2 reasons - Shaq was completely locked out of the game, scoring fuck all points and Scottie wore the all red Nike Air Flights that he wasn't allowed to rock during the regular season (much like MJ's black and red ones).

The reason I remember this so well is that during this trip to Malta I actually saw the red kicks in a shop and begged my old dear to buy them for me, which she of course refused, and with good reason. However, with me chipping in whatever money I had a compromise was reached, which saw me not only copping the hat but a matching T shirt to go with it. Due to my hoarding tendencies and the ever abundant space of THE PIRANHA TANK, these items still exist to this day. Cheers Dad.

However, despite the dopeness/grotesque nature of the hat, it really is the T shirt that takes the biscuit. The artwork is by a geezer called Mark Ryden... Ive googled him but no dice. The thing that bugs me more than A) The fact this t shirt is faded to fuck and no longer fits me B) Ive obviously used it as some sort of cleaning rag (hence the black marks) and C) B, is that I can't for the life of me remember OR find any evidence to suggest that similar illustrated garms were manufactured to depict Pippen, Barkley and Hardaway in similar situations. I would literally cut off your right arm for a set of all 4 in good condition. Observe -

See what I mean on the fade? It's fucking heart breaking. Still, when I was 12 years old, I wasnt thinking about the future, plus I could only rock this joint if I had one of those faggoty skinny skater boy physiques, and I don't. Still, I'm well within my rights to be cheesed off. If ANYONE OUT THERE READING THIS can at the very least point me towards any existing illustrtions like this one I would be most appreciative.

As an aside but essentially the whole reason I wrote this post, I Googled 'Nike Hoop Heroes' and this is one of the results that came up. Anyone want to buy a hat? Holla at me.

Taken from http://brianprocell.bigcartel.com/product/nike-hoop-heroes

You kids and your 'snap backs'. In my day we called them hats. Ive still got a bunch of original starter joints and some fake joints that i got whilst on various holidays. Are they really worth $200 a pop?



Found a website for Mark Ryden. No mention of the Hoop Heroes work but im going to holla at him and see if i get a response. http://www.markryden.com/

Random photo from the Hoop Heroes tour, mid 90's I assume, I can see Pip and Charles Barkley in there at least. HERE

Also -

Friday 15 July 2011

Random MC Battles!?!?

I remember the Blaze battle that used to pop off in the states in the late 90's, but I was never aware that some MCs with actual names ever involved themselves, especially with a few of them at very successful points in their careers. Unfortunately, it also seems that a number of them were quite obviously intended to stick to making music, but despite the quality it was still surprising to stumble across these. Observe -

Tuesday 12 July 2011

Coming Soon....

Free download featuring Joker Starr, Dabbla (LDZ), Ceezlin, Verb T, Dr Syntax & Rebecca Stephens with production by Wizard, Ruff Snippets, Evil Sun, Verb T, KD (Rum Com) & Mad Hatter. Cuts by Ruff Snippets, Headnod & Jimmy Penguin.

Thursday 7 July 2011

Taye Diggs' Hairline

OK. So, a while back, Lil' Tika convinced me that it was a good idea to watch Brown Sugar starring Taye Diggs and that chick from Alien Vs Predator. I won't delve into the plot and story line of said film, all I will say about it is that in a few places there are some very poignant comments made about Hip Hop culture, which I did appreciate, but more often than not these poignant moments are drowned by typical rom-com schmultz and awful script writing. However, if you want to watch it, I will let you be the judge.

The thing that struck me most about this movie, mainly because I was mad high in anticipation of watching a flick I didn't really want to see (getting high before embarking on these experiences can often soften the blow and in some cases actually make them enjoyable) was the severity of Taye Diggs hairline (see the picture above... Im sure they've airbrushed more hair in there). The image stuck with me for some time before once again popping into my head the other night (no homo, naturally) while I was lean off that good cheese and strawberry kush mix. Anyway, in my stoned haze of self amusement, i took to twitter to voice my opinions, and here follows the fruit of my labours.

As an aside, Taye Diggs now sports a cleanly shaven head. I would like to think that I had something to do with that.


I just remembered how far back #TayeDiggs hairline goes. Cot dang

#TayeDiggs hairline is more fucked up than @realdrsyntax's eye sight

The Elephant Man looked at #TayeDiggs hairline and said "Wow, that shit is fucked up"

#TayeDiggs favourite #NWA track is "The Dayz Of Way Back"

#TayeDiggs makes Captain Jean Luc Picard look like Bigfoot

When considering release dates for #Detox, Dr Dre draws inspiration from #TayeDiggs hair line

One barber advertised "The #TayeDiggs" in his spot and was bankrupt within a week

Someone told #TayeDiggs to 'get his shine on'. Dude took it too literally

#TayeDiggs head looks like someone tried growing cress out of a bowling ball

I've said #TayeDiggs so many times now it has lost all meaning for me

Hey, #TayeDiggs - When Jack said "We need to go back" in #Lost he wasn't talking to the hairs on your head

When #TayeDiggs hears the words 'shape up' he literally has hairs standing up on the BACK OF HIS NECK

#TayeDiggs had his wig split in the hood and lived to tell the tale

Duncan Goodhew & Jim Kelly's hair copulated and created what you see on top of #TayeDiggs head today (or whenever his last flick dropped)

#TayeDiggs should be in a superhero movie as a villain called 'Half Head'

#TayeDiggs obviously never watched 'You Don't Mess With The Zohan'

#TayeDiggs auditioned for a part in Barbershop. No dice

Damn it, this dude actually went to the barbershop and asked for a #TayeDiggs
. http://twitpic.com/5m59bi

Q : What did the casting director ask #TayeDiggs? A : "Can you say wig?"

Probably time I stop with the #TayeDiggs jokes now seeing as baldness is hereditary in my family, but then so is being a boss so whateva man

#TayeDiggs burst into tears while watching 'Hairspray'. And not the film, an actual can of hairspray being applied to real hair

The makers of 'Bend it like Beckham' are planning a sequel starring #TayeDiggs called 'Lose it like Rooney'

David Attenborough described #TayeDiggs head as "... A wasteland, similar in scope to the Australian outback...barren but for a few weeds"

Just project SAVE OUR SCHOOL onto #TayeDiggs fivehead... No need for costly canvassing campaigns, the whole world will see it

If the eyebrows are Greek and the hairline is Turkish, its a fair comparison to call #TayeDiggs head 'Cyprus'. Them 2 are NEVER making up

If #TayeDiggs hair could speak, its catchphrase would be "I'm watching your back"

#TayeDiggs gently weeps whenever he hears the 'Soul Glo' music on Coming To America

Soldiers have been advised that instead of yelling "Retreat!" when leaving combat that they are now to yell "#TayeDiggs hairline!!!" instead

If anyone wass to accidentally or purposefully push you backwards, from this point on you should say "Quit Taye Diggsin' me" #TayeDiggs

"Its easy to see when you look at me, if you look closely, Fifty don't #TAYEDIGGS"

My car has 6 gears. One, two, three, four, five and #TayeDiggs

I think the last one was my favourite. RIP Taye Diggs hair.

Wednesday 6 July 2011

Cold Lazarus LDN LP Launch Friday 8th July

Does what it says on the tin. A bunch of people, approximately 95% of the UK Hip Hop community will be at the NASS festival, but i'm relying on the other 5 percent (or as many as possible) to come to this. Otherwise you will make Baby Jeebus cry.

Friday 1 July 2011

And While We're On The Subject Of Basketball.....

One of the greatest plays ever in the history of the game, from one of the greatest players to do it. Pure gold.

Random White Basketball Players Vol. 1

Time for another new segment, once again with thanks to Eddy Piranha who had these hidden away in a dark corner of the attic. I used to be a massive basketball fan, both playing and following the NBA. Unfortunately, many teenage summers spent pounding up and down the concrete have left my knees and ankles completely and utterly fucked, so I'm only really good for a game of H.O.R.S.E. these days. Also, as soon as the 96' Bulls team split up, I pretty much stopped following the NBA. I don't even know who took the title this year.

Anyway, I found a stash of upper deck trading cards from the 91/92 season in The Piranha Tank. I vaguely remember picking up hundreds of these for an incredibly cheap price, mainly due to the fact that they were all complete nobodies and therefore none of the cards were collectors items. The best thing bout this pointless stash, however, is the amount of completely random, ugly, bizarrely named and, according to their stats, shit basketball players. The fact that they're white is not a race issues, but with the exception of a select few we all know that white dudes have never been part of the NBA elite, plus the haircuts, retro uniforms and goofy ass kicks are a touch. So, without further ado, i present to you -


In all honesty, Todd wasn't doing too badly at this point in his career, or so it would seem. Jumping from an 8 point to a 14 point average in a year is quite impressive, but a closer look reveals that in the 89/90 season he played 79 games (out of 82 regular season match ups), whereas in 90/91 he only played 29 games. Still, at the time he was ranked second on his conference's all time scoring list. I don't really understand how that is possible in the slightest from looking at his stats, but it says it on the card, so fuck knows.

Anyway, thats not the point. Check the goofy motherfucker out. Its fair to say that somebody likes short shorts. His kicks are nice though. At least he's not rocking Pony.