A Bit Of Light Reading

Following on from my personally revelatory research into the theories surrounding Michael Jordan being a douchebag, I have just begun reading this book and am halfway through already. More fuel to the fire. It’s actually pretty well written and comes highly recommended if you like this sort of thing.

Far from being a coherent unit bursting at the seams with selflessness and brotherly love, it paints the Bulls to be a bunch of underpaid, whinging tossers who are constantly back biting each other and living in the eternal fear of being traded. So far nobody has come off worse than Jordan. I’m halfway through the book, which on the timeline equals halfway through the season, and as the situation currently stands it seems incredibly unlikely that they are going to win the championship.

Only they did. 23 years ago. Pretty trippy stuff, dude. 

New Beatnik Feature. I'm Ballin'.

^ All day baby.

Less of an interview/review, seemingly more of a kind off off-the-wall psych profile, Beatnik Online have just posted a little piece about me here. Go peep that. Words by Rob Boffard, flicks courtesy of Romain Kedochim. I wore new Jordans just for the occasion too.

2 points that were incorrect in this write up - A) I most certainly AM the best rapper out of the FU Music camp and B) my inside game is INCREDIBLE. I don't know what Rob was talking about there, his fingers must have slipped on the keyboard. Dont test the kid on the court.... although you wouldnt really get a chance, as my knees and ankles are legitimately fucked, but with a few hundred quids worth of straps, supports and bandages I'm a regular Bill Wennington haha.

Have a read. At the very least you can't say im lying when I say say that 'my life is real'.


PS - To any aspiring battle rappers who might be reading this, try harder.

Random White Basketball Players Vol. 1

Time for another new segment, once again with thanks to Eddy Piranha who had these hidden away in a dark corner of the attic. I used to be a massive basketball fan, both playing and following the NBA. Unfortunately, many teenage summers spent pounding up and down the concrete have left my knees and ankles completely and utterly fucked, so I'm only really good for a game of H.O.R.S.E. these days. Also, as soon as the 96' Bulls team split up, I pretty much stopped following the NBA. I don't even know who took the title this year.

Anyway, I found a stash of upper deck trading cards from the 91/92 season in The Piranha Tank. I vaguely remember picking up hundreds of these for an incredibly cheap price, mainly due to the fact that they were all complete nobodies and therefore none of the cards were collectors items. The best thing bout this pointless stash, however, is the amount of completely random, ugly, bizarrely named and, according to their stats, shit basketball players. The fact that they're white is not a race issues, but with the exception of a select few we all know that white dudes have never been part of the NBA elite, plus the haircuts, retro uniforms and goofy ass kicks are a touch. So, without further ado, i present to you -

1. TODD LICHTI




In all honesty, Todd wasn't doing too badly at this point in his career, or so it would seem. Jumping from an 8 point to a 14 point average in a year is quite impressive, but a closer look reveals that in the 89/90 season he played 79 games (out of 82 regular season match ups), whereas in 90/91 he only played 29 games. Still, at the time he was ranked second on his conference's all time scoring list. I don't really understand how that is possible in the slightest from looking at his stats, but it says it on the card, so fuck knows.

Anyway, thats not the point. Check the goofy motherfucker out. Its fair to say that somebody likes short shorts. His kicks are nice though. At least he's not rocking Pony.

Thats What Eye See #12 - Spike Lee's Bin

Great film. Great bin.



As an added bonus, here's the classic scene where Buggin Out gets his new Jordan 4's fucked up by Larry Bird.

HAPPY ST PIRAN'S DAY

That's right motherfuckers, today is the greatest day of the year, the day on which we celebrate the patron saint of my native land, Cornwall. Big up St. Piran. Today will involve random booze drinking and pasty eating. You can quote me on that.

I'm going to be rocking my traditional St Piran's day uniform today, namely the Cornwall rugby with the Bumblebee Jordan 1's and the P fitted my boy PG copped for me at Christmas (The 'P' can stand for Piran or Pirates Of Penzance, its a p p preference ting).

And below you can see me hijacking St. Patrick's day a couple years back by celebrating St. Piran's Day for the 2nd time that month. Ballin.





Kernow Bys Vyken motherfucker

I Would STILL Rock These....

How anybody could neglect a pair so horribly is beyond me. They're probably originals as well.

Kool Keith's 'Retail Therapy'

Ok, so this is a story that has been floating around for some time now, one that I was certainly told probably somewhere close to ten years ago by a colleague who will remain unnamed but, and I can assure you of this, is a trustworthy source of information. There is still no way that this particular tale can be substantiated 110% so names will not be brought into play to protect the innocent/guilty (apart from Kool Keith's, but surely any beef will just up my Bandcamp download numbers/be reported to me by his lawyers).

I will tell you that the story teller once worked for a good few years at the Brighton (UK) branch of Size?, a popular trainer store, actually owned by JD Sports (its inbred cousin) that caters to the more design and style conscious sneaker heads amongst us (myself included, from time to time).

As far as I'm aware, Size? Is actually a relatively exclusive chain in that there are really not that many store locations in the country when compared to JD, Foot Locker and all the rest. There's only three branches in the whole of London at Carnaby Street, Portabello Road and Covent Garden. This particular tale goes down at the Covent Garden branch.



As some of you may or may not know the Covent Garden Size? Actually moved premises recently….I say recently, although I haven't really got a clue when it happened. All I know is that I bopped down Neal Street a few months ago to go and cop myself a pair of crispy Air Jordan Flight 9's and found myself confronted with a Dr Martens AirWare emporium. Shocked and bewildered, I wandered further down the street only to find Size? a few doors down, thank fuck.



Anyway, my point is that this particular tale took place at the original Covent Garden location. Due to the sparseness of Size? locations, branches would (and probably still do) stay in relatively close contact with each other to see what was selling and what wasn't so they could then ship off unpopular kicks to other branches where maybe they could potentially shift better. Because of this, my friend in the Brighton branch got to talking to the (then) manager of the CG branch who then regaled him with this bizarre tale, although when dealing with Kool Keith, I suppose anything is to be expected.

Picture if you will….Half an hour or so before shop closing time, Kool Keith bops into Size? with one of his minders and politely asks the star struck manager (who was a massive fan) if he wouldn't mind closing the shop up early so Keith could blow a stack on kicks. Seeing as it was closing time anyway and dude was such a huge fan he of course obliged (as any self respecting head would) and ushered the remaining shoppers out of the store before locking the door.

So, the shop is completely empty apart from the manager, the 2 (?) other shop workers, Keith and his minder. Dude is buzzing cause one of his all time idols is in his shop, he's at least going to get him to sign a pair of Stan Smith's to display in the shop, maybe even get a photo with dude, so he's made up with the situation. They're all keeping their distance while Keith glides around looking at crepes.



At this point it all goes a bit 'Fear & Loathing'. As I was told, Kool Keith picks up one of the faux leather stools that you sit on to try on kicks/begrudgingly wait for your dime to get her shopping over with, takes it into the middle of the (empty) shop floor, sits down and proceeds to start crying, before sobbing and then wailing uncontrollably into his hands, inconsolable, tears streaming down his face.

Keith's minder seems completely unperturbed by this and pays his behaviour no mind. The manager, however, after a few minutes walks up to the dejected, bawling figure of a rap star and asks if he's OK. He gets no answer and Kool Keith continues sobbing as if his dog has just died. His dog might have just died, of course, but I won't speculate. How ironic.

Anyway, after a good 20 minutes/half an hour of this the shop workers are suitably ticked off as they should have left already, the manager is caught between his workers and one of his all time rap idols losing his shit but still apparently planning on spending a wad of cash in the store, the minder is paying the situation no mind (no pun intended) and all the while Keith is beside himself.



At this point the manager makes a second attempt to get through to the dejected Black Elvis. Asking whether he still intended to purchase any trainers due to the apparent discomfort of the situation and the growing agitation of his employees at being kept late at work to watch a grown man cry, Kool Keith wipes his eyes and nose, stands up, walks to the door (which was unlocked for him) and then walks out with his minder, having not spent a single penny and leaving with no kicks whatsoever. What happened after is anyones guess; needless to say I'm sure it was one of the more interesting experiences to be had working at Size? for those guys.



Maybe that's the true meaning of 'Retail Therapy'. Feel free to balk at this story and say it didn't happen, but really, do you honestly think I could make this shit up? The answer is no, by the way. Another Urban myth, but told from a reliable source. Think of it what you will. As an aside to all you aspiring/successful rappers out there, I thoroughly recommend seeking the proper medical and psychiatric advice when you have a problem rather than relying on minimum wage sales people of grossly overpriced shoes to sort your problems. Just an idea. But for real though, mental health problems are no joke, so seek the proper help. I honestly don't know if Keith has any specific issues, but I'm talking in broader terms here. You're welcome.

The Claybourne Family - Kool Keith, Marc Live & Jacky Jasper. Big up Jimmy Hatetank. Peep it, its the best rap song ever made.

Marty McFly's Power Nikes

I think the real question is not why we haven't actually got shoes with power laces yet but why Marty Mcfly wasn't more completely and utterly blown away by the fact that he had a pair of kicks so futuristically fresh on at this very moment. He was just so nonchalant about it. It makes me SICK hahaha.

I think I can speak for virtually everyone in my generation and probably plenty of people both older and younger than myself when I say that EVERYONE wanted and STILL wants these kicks to this very day. If we are to believe the Hollywood hype, in a mere 4 years time we will all be rocking kicks with power laces and riding pink skateboards with no wheels. The fact that I rarely even bother to do my laces up at all has no bearing on the situation; if I had power laces, best believe I would be using them.

Until that point, we do have Nike to 'thank' for the Marty Mcfly Hyperdunk Supremes, what I believe to be essentially Kobe's last shoe but jazzed up to look like Michael J's sneaks in Back To The Future 2. Unfortunately missing out on some minor details (like, for example, POWER LACES, the LED logos, basically everything that makes them futuristic in the first place), this has been made up for with the kind of attention to the detail that makes geeks like me start sweating, breathing heavily and feeling faint.




I must admit, the shoes themselves arent really all that to look at (in my opinion), plus if I did actually purchase a pair then I'd be far too awe struck to actually wear them out of the crib (unless I went to a fancy dress party as Marty Mcfly, but then there is the inconvenient matter of my skin and hair colour to factor in the equation). However, fact is that Back To The Future was one of those film franchises that didn't really cater to the geeks as far as collectable merchandise like action figures etc (pencil cases don't count) so If I had the cash then I'd probably splash out and keep them in a bulletproof case like the pope or some shit. As an aside, I did actually cop a remote control Delorean a while back cause it was reduced down to £10 in Forbidden Planet and thats the sort of bargain that simply can't be passed up. Anyways, I digress.

Peep the tongues on these babies. I'm not going to explain what these symbols mean cause if you don't know then you're simply not worth my time and effort.




As mentioned, the attention to detail on the package itself is incredible, from the Doc Brown quoting paper wrap to the hoverboard-esque inner soles, the package is pretty fucking dope. You might also notice the technical drawing of the Flux Capacitor inside the shoe. Now thats BALLIN'.



As internet rumour would have it, it seems that in the last few months a company in the USA (where else) were actively trying to attain the production rights in order to be able to actually manufacture shoes with real power laces in them. The good, or bad news (depending on your standpoint) is that Nike themselves vetoed the company and have since secured the manufacturing rights for themselves. If that means by any length that Nike will be releasing anything resembling the kicks from the film at ANY point before I DIE then I will surely die a happy man. Watch this space.

*As an aside, these shoes obviously do not belong to me. Upon research the minimum you can expect to pay for these beauties is around the £600 mark, and thats if you're lucky. Unless I win the lottery anytime soon then you can forget it, thats like 6 pairs of Jordans that i will actually wear. Credit for the flicks goes to this website right here - http://gizmodo.com/397866/back-to-the-future-mcfly-sneakers-unboxed-going-for-2000

***Bonus Geek Out***

As mentioned, here is the remote control joint. I had to show and prove just incase any of you suckers out there thought I was frontin'. Never that.



Also, pretty stock stuff, but here's a couple of flicks taken during the standard tour of Universal Studios back lot in LA. The bus thing we were riding in wouldn't even slow down for me to get flicks, let alone stop, for which I am still really fucking pissed off. The second flick is of the stone sign at the beginning of Marty's estate, just lying around discarded for the last 20 odd years. Bastards.

Chill Uncle Phil Jackson

So, not only is Phil Jackson one of, if not the most successful coach in NBA history, but the man also has impeccable style. Peep the vid below. Its anyone's guess as to who rocked Jordans with a suit first; it was either Big Phil or The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. Either way, they're both winners (although Phil Jackson has a shit load more swag than Will Smith these days).











Excuse me, but I've just answered my own question. Will Smith is rocking Jordan Vs, Big Phil is wearing Jordan IVs which means that the big homie Phil is officially the winner. Catch Will Smith still playing the Fresh Prince in a cinema near you soon.