That's What Eye See #21 : Romantic N*gga

This is the absolute shit. I copped this at a roadside market stall whilst Lil' Tika and I were travelling around Bolivia. I started pissing myself with laughter, much to the bemusement of the FUBU & Pure Playaz wearing stall owner. I ended up copping it for my boy Daps as I knew he'd appreciate it as much as I did. Turns out the geezer is a Peruvian RnB singer and has since changed his name to 'Flex'. Doubtful a South American singer could get away with keeping the N word as his stage name, that would be like Justin Bieber changing his name to Michael Clarke Duncan or some shit.



"THE ROMANTIC STYLE"

Zombie In A Penguin Suit

Slow news day. Peace to Uncle Lewis for the assist.

Lazy Blogger Excuses

Mainly this, recently -



I've been mad slack on the blog recently, but in my defence, I've been gardening and writing more classic rap tracks for you to enjoy. October, and the onset of cold weather, will see me returning to my previous top form, however. Worry not, constant reader, although I'm sure you're not bothered in the slightest.

I'm going outside. 1

The Last 2 Weeks In Pictures

Big Dave TV Vol 4. - Enlish Beats His Meat

Does what it says on the tin.

That's What Eye See #18 - She Aint Ugly, She's OOGLY

Nuff said.

Immediate Post Break-Up Ebay Auction

This is hilarious mainly due to the fact that dude seems pretty good humoured/is not suicidal. The Q & A's are priceless too, but they take up too much room.



"If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can't be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me - Oh how extravagant of her -"Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I'll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve" By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that's what I said she should be in the circus. "Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart"

I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend's body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus - LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

PS - As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident."

Taye Diggs' Hairline

OK. So, a while back, Lil' Tika convinced me that it was a good idea to watch Brown Sugar starring Taye Diggs and that chick from Alien Vs Predator. I won't delve into the plot and story line of said film, all I will say about it is that in a few places there are some very poignant comments made about Hip Hop culture, which I did appreciate, but more often than not these poignant moments are drowned by typical rom-com schmultz and awful script writing. However, if you want to watch it, I will let you be the judge.

The thing that struck me most about this movie, mainly because I was mad high in anticipation of watching a flick I didn't really want to see (getting high before embarking on these experiences can often soften the blow and in some cases actually make them enjoyable) was the severity of Taye Diggs hairline (see the picture above... Im sure they've airbrushed more hair in there). The image stuck with me for some time before once again popping into my head the other night (no homo, naturally) while I was lean off that good cheese and strawberry kush mix. Anyway, in my stoned haze of self amusement, i took to twitter to voice my opinions, and here follows the fruit of my labours.

As an aside, Taye Diggs now sports a cleanly shaven head. I would like to think that I had something to do with that.

TWITTER

I just remembered how far back #TayeDiggs hairline goes. Cot dang

#TayeDiggs hairline is more fucked up than @realdrsyntax's eye sight

The Elephant Man looked at #TayeDiggs hairline and said "Wow, that shit is fucked up"

#TayeDiggs favourite #NWA track is "The Dayz Of Way Back"

#TayeDiggs makes Captain Jean Luc Picard look like Bigfoot

When considering release dates for #Detox, Dr Dre draws inspiration from #TayeDiggs hair line

One barber advertised "The #TayeDiggs" in his spot and was bankrupt within a week

Someone told #TayeDiggs to 'get his shine on'. Dude took it too literally

#TayeDiggs head looks like someone tried growing cress out of a bowling ball

I've said #TayeDiggs so many times now it has lost all meaning for me

Hey, #TayeDiggs - When Jack said "We need to go back" in #Lost he wasn't talking to the hairs on your head

When #TayeDiggs hears the words 'shape up' he literally has hairs standing up on the BACK OF HIS NECK

#TayeDiggs had his wig split in the hood and lived to tell the tale

Duncan Goodhew & Jim Kelly's hair copulated and created what you see on top of #TayeDiggs head today (or whenever his last flick dropped)

#TayeDiggs should be in a superhero movie as a villain called 'Half Head'

#TayeDiggs obviously never watched 'You Don't Mess With The Zohan'

#TayeDiggs auditioned for a part in Barbershop. No dice

Damn it, this dude actually went to the barbershop and asked for a #TayeDiggs. http://twitpic.com/5m59bi



Q : What did the casting director ask #TayeDiggs? A : "Can you say wig?"

Probably time I stop with the #TayeDiggs jokes now seeing as baldness is hereditary in my family, but then so is being a boss so whateva man

#TayeDiggs burst into tears while watching 'Hairspray'. And not the film, an actual can of hairspray being applied to real hair

The makers of 'Bend it like Beckham' are planning a sequel starring #TayeDiggs called 'Lose it like Rooney'

David Attenborough described #TayeDiggs head as "... A wasteland, similar in scope to the Australian outback...barren but for a few weeds"

Just project SAVE OUR SCHOOL onto #TayeDiggs fivehead... No need for costly canvassing campaigns, the whole world will see it

If the eyebrows are Greek and the hairline is Turkish, its a fair comparison to call #TayeDiggs head 'Cyprus'. Them 2 are NEVER making up

If #TayeDiggs hair could speak, its catchphrase would be "I'm watching your back"

#TayeDiggs gently weeps whenever he hears the 'Soul Glo' music on Coming To America

Soldiers have been advised that instead of yelling "Retreat!" when leaving combat that they are now to yell "#TayeDiggs hairline!!!" instead

If anyone wass to accidentally or purposefully push you backwards, from this point on you should say "Quit Taye Diggsin' me" #TayeDiggs

"Its easy to see when you look at me, if you look closely, Fifty don't #TAYEDIGGS"

My car has 6 gears. One, two, three, four, five and #TayeDiggs

I think the last one was my favourite. RIP Taye Diggs hair.

This Is Fucked

Foot age taken by Lady Jay after the Pete Rock/Smif N Wessun LP launch, I believe last night. Fucking shocking. Not long before the guns start coming out.

Who watches the Watchmen?

Big Dave TV Vol. 3 - Enlish Does 'Rite Whino'

Does what it says on the tin! I was drunk and lean by the way. That's not an excuse.

COLD LAZARUS IS OUT NOW - COMPETITION TIME!!!!

Available from http://enlish.bandcamp.com on digital, CD, cassette and SUPER LIMITED USB (ONLY TEN LEFT!!!)

In honour of this momentous occasion, I have a competition for you, where one lucky soul will win a CD by answering the following questions correctly. You need to get all three correct, at which point all correct answers will be correlated by my master computer system and a winner will be picked at random.

A) Which Premier League footballer do I mention on the 1st track of Dr Syntax's first LP?
B) Who produced the Imagineers cut 'Carnival Stomp' from So Massive Volume 2?
C) Who was my FIRST EVER Don't Flop battle against? (Trick question?)


Send your answers in to enlishakabigdave at googlemail dot com for your chance to win. Entries close at midnight.

Winner will be announced tomorrow.

Good Luck!!!

Big Dave TV Vol.2 - Cocktail Hour @ Birdseye's Stag Do - Eddy Makes 'The Big Dave'

One of many ridiculous videos captured during Mick Glacier's stag do (pre bar hopping), I now have a drink named after me. Try me, I'm delicious (super pause).

Adrien Brody recites BIG's 10 Crack Commandments at the Academy Of American Poets at the Licoln Center in NY

What a fucking legend.

Thats What Eye See #14 - Real Talk?

Real Talk? (Obvious no homo)

Who Are TDDGFTA???

Who are Tuna Digits Dip Gang Fish Them All?

Dip Gang

Gip Dang

.... All will be explained. Website and music soon come. Until then, you can find Nemo at the links below....

TDDGFTA

BIRDSEYE THE ORIGINATOR

JOHN JOHN DORY, PIRAHNA SON

DITECKI AKA OPTIMUS PRIME

DICE 2D

ROE PO-LISH (Silent Partner)

Thats What Eye See #13 - Poo Poo Cafe

Thailand. Appetizing.



HIT HTTP://ENLISH.BANDCAMP.COM AND COP THE AA SINGLE WITH FREE LP FOR £3 OR ITUNES FOR THE SINGLE SONG

Extended Leave (AWOL?)

Greetings all. Apologies for my lack of blog action as of late, not only have I been shamelessly promoting my music in every conceivable way possible (buy it), I have also been in Brighton getting licked since saturday and house sitting for DJ Manipulate, which includes looking after his monster attack dog, Bonehead. Don't try and get in here, she'll tear pieces off you.

Anyway, today I'm off to Cornwall for my boy Mick Glacier's stag do. I am the best man at the wedding and therefore in charge of making sure everyone gets BATTERED. Job done. Just look at the pic... you think this dude needs any help? Really?





PURCHASE 'MESSED UP' FT DJ MANIPULATE & 'ARROGANCE IS BLISS' FT. SEAN PRICE, STIG OF THE DUMP AND DJ MANIPULATE FOR THE TINY SUM OF £3.00 AND RECEIVE THE 'RAP AIN'T REAL, MY LIFE IS REAL' LP FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE!

CLICK THE ENLISH BANNER ABOVE OR THE SMALL ALI PIC TO THE RIGHT TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE BANDCAMP!

LINKS -

BANDCAMP (£3 FOR 14 TRACKS)

ITUNES (£0.79 FOR THE SINGLE SONG)





PRESS


RAWTALK INTERVIEW

KNOWLEDGE MAGAZINE

UK ALL DAY

BLACK BUDGET ENTERTAINMENT

STYLE43

NAHRIGHT (SCROLL DOWN, POSTED AS A BONUS, MESSED UP THE EMBED LINK BUT OH WELL, THEYRE GOOD PPLS...)

And last but not least, the cock chewing 2DOPEBOYZ - Feel free to leave a comment cussing them like a couple other people have for their snide and sarcastic comments.

NEW BATTLE VERSUS CRUGER, CHECK IT OUT






PURCHASE 'MESSED UP' FT DJ MANIPULATE & 'ARROGANCE IS BLISS' FT. SEAN PRICE, STIG OF THE DUMP AND DJ MANIPULATE FOR THE TINY SUM OF £3.00 AND RECEIVE THE 'RAP AIN'T REAL, MY LIFE IS REAL' LP FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE!

CLICK THE ENLISH BANNER ABOVE OR THE SMALL ALI PIC TO THE RIGHT TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE BANDCAMP!

LINKS -

BANDCAMP (£3 FOR 14 TRACKS)

ITUNES (£0.79 FOR THE SINGLE SONG)





PRESS


RAWTALK INTERVIEW

KNOWLEDGE MAGAZINE

UK ALL DAY

BLACK BUDGET ENTERTAINMENT

STYLE43

NAHRIGHT (SCROLL DOWN, POSTED AS A BONUS, MESSED UP THE EMBED LINK BUT OH WELL, THEYRE GOOD PPLS...)

And last but not least, the cock chewing 2DOPEBOYZ - Feel free to leave a comment cussing them like a couple other people have for their snide and sarcastic comments.

NEW BATTLE VERSUS CRUGER, CHECK IT OUT

Prince William & Princess Kate Interview/Review 'Arrogance Is Bliss' Ft. Sean Price #RoyalWedding

I recently caught up with the happy couple to chop it up, twist some trees and premier my new AA single featuring Sean Price and Stig Of The Dump. What follows is an entirely truthful account of our 'conversation'.



"Wow, this jazz fag is the bomb diggy." Prince William is coughing and spluttering. As suspected, the calibre of piff supplied to this balding, regal, horse-faced batty is a little too much for his precious, jewel encrusted lungs. "Kate, darling, come and take a puff on this.... What do you call this, David?"

"Cannabis, Will."

"Cannabis, that's the ticket. Jolly good. Oh Catherine dear, do come over here and take a 'hit' on this 'cannabis' and meet my friend David. He's a rapper
don't you know, and a jolly good one at that."



Getting high with the royals is no joke, especially seeing as Prince William doesn't seem to realise that his darling Kate is blatantly getting some on the side from his snotnosed ginger Nazi of a little brother right underneath his giant schnoz and is none the wiser. I choose to keep my mouth shut regarding this. I'm at Buckingham Palace and the soon to be princess is parading around in next to nothing apparently for the entertainment of myself and Manfred, their butler. Neither of us are interested in her flat, curveless frame but humour her nonetheless as she parades around the room, tripping over and stumbling like a toddler in her mothers heels, looking more like Barbara Windsor with a booze problem in "Carry On Trying" than soon-to-be royalty. I've nearly run out of patience with her and start to wonder why I've even bothered coming here in the first place.



"Stop hogging the blunt Billy, shit" I say, snatching the trees off the little prick. "Put the music on and shut the fuck up." As soon as 'Arrogance Is Bliss' Ft. Sean Price, Stig Of The Dump and DJ Manipulate (produced by Ido) comes banging out of the speakers, the mood in the room changes noticeably. Prince Will, having taken just a little too much in on that last go round, starts having violent seizures and foaming at the mouth, convulsing, involuntarily smashing his own head against the marble fire place. Kate Middleton reacts to the music a little better, attempting to 'drop down and get her eagle on' on top of a priceless 15th century mahogany coffee table, scratching the shit out of the finish with her diamond studded Jimmy Choos. By the time Sean Price's verse kicks in, Manfred has had enough. "You fucking BITCH!! I've had it up to here with you!!!" He's screaming, tears welling up in his eyes. He has reached his breaking point.





Manfred rushes Miss Middleton, spear tackling the malnourished waif like Kimbo Slice sprinting at Tom Hanks' character in Philadelphia. There is euthanasia on his mind. He has a murderous, demonic glare in his eyes, magnified by the monacle that is ready to crack and shatter due to the pressure of his facial muscles bearing down on it's pewter frame. He throws his full body weight at her, shoulder connecting perfectly with sternum in some sort of beautiful yet brutally violent union, producing a satisfying CRACK, folding her in two with the ease of the fingers of a well trained master of origami working with damp crepe paper; she wheezes as the oxygen is forced from her body, her frame flying through the air, crashing into the wall, spraying blood all over a painting of Prince Philip (cock) before her limp, lifeless body thumps to the floor like a bag of dry dog turds. I think she might be dead, but neither Manfred nor I bother to check. She's dead to us, and that's what matters.

By this time Prince William has seemingly got himself under control. Before he has the chance to see the smashed sack of skin and bones that is supposedly his future Princess lying motionless on the floor, I quickly slam on 'Brain Basher', one of the free tracks that comes with the download of Arrogance Is Bliss, part of a 14 track package for £3 available from http://enlish.bandcamp.com. With this, both he and Manfred are invigorated; it seems that the apparent madness haunting Jack Nicholson and the Overlook Hotel in The Shining has now pervaded the walls of this very palace. While I sit back and leisurely smoke, all the while listening to the incredible music bumping out of the speakers, Bill and Manny take turns in violently headbutting each other and having a 'who can kick each other in the nuts the hardest' contest. It transpires that Prince Billy is no pushover, smashing poor Manfred in the bollocks so hard that he starts vomiting blood.



While revelling in his victory over the lowly manservant by pouring an entire bottle of Cristal over his head, William then unfortunately notices the crumpled sack of plasma and marrow that used to be his fiancee. As 'There You Go', an MOP sampling banger of a track (produced by Grill$smack) kicks in, William quickly and noticably loses his mind, shrieking like a banshee and running around the reception room in erratic circles. At this precise moment, however, he also realises the true extent of the damage to his royal testicles, sustained during the vicious kicking contest between him and the now possibly deceased Manfred. This massive physical trauma, combined with the horrible vision of his bride to be's crushed and lifeless body next to the gilded skirting boards proves a little too much for the inbred pea brain, and he faints, his head smashing once again against the marble fireplace, cracking the ornamental fixture clean in two like a master of karate chopping a wooden board.



So, there I am, still quite happily smoking a joint, surrounded by the blood and the fallout of the carnage, all created by the power of the 'Messed Up/Arrogance Is Bliss' deluxe AA side release (with free 11 track LP) available for purchase NOW from http://enlish.bandcamp.com for £3. I've had enough by now, so I get up to leave. As I'm walking past Manfred's now unrecognisable body and the gaping chasm now clearly visible on Prince Williams head, brains leaking all over the priceless persian rug, the apparently alive Miss Middleton reaches out and grabs my ankle, and with her last gasp of regal breath before she passes out, asks me - "Where can I cop the music, David?"

She is out like a light before I have a chance to answer, so I leave a business card on Manfred's now ruined coffee table and put a high quality, glossy, weatherproof sticker on Bill's head to try and help keep his brains inside.

On the way out of the palace I murder 2 beefeaters and knock a horse clean out with one punch. I then return to Brixton, giggling, buying some curried goat and ackee and saltfish from the takeaway before copping 12 hot wings from KFC with extra BBQ sauce to top it off and head home, satisfied.

I never heard from the royals again. Apparently they were supposed to be getting married or something. Bothered.



PURCHASE 'MESSED UP' FT DJ MANIPULATE & 'ARROGANCE IS BLISS' FT. SEAN PRICE, STIG OF THE DUMP AND DJ MANIPULATE FOR THE TINY SUM OF £3.00 AND RECEIVE THE 'RAP AIN'T REAL, MY LIFE IS REAL' LP FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE!

CLICK THE ENLISH BANNER ABOVE OR THE SMALL ALI PIC TO THE RIGHT TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE BANDCAMP!

LINKS -

BANDCAMP (£3 FOR 14 TRACKS)

ITUNES (£0.79 FOR THE SINGLE SONG)





PRESS


RAWTALK INTERVIEW

KNOWLEDGE MAGAZINE

UK ALL DAY

BLACK BUDGET ENTERTAINMENT

STYLE43

NAHRIGHT (SCROLL DOWN, POSTED AS A BONUS, MESSED UP THE EMBED LINK BUT OH WELL, THEYRE GOOD PPLS...)

And last but not least, the cock chewing 2DOPEBOYZ - Feel free to leave a comment cussing them like a couple other people have for their snide and sarcastic comments.

NEW BATTLE VERSUS CRUGER, CHECK IT OUT

NEW ENLISH INTERVIEW WITH RAWTALK RECORDINGS

MY LATEST INTERVIEW - After the second question there is a tiny little up/down arrow to the bottom left, just above the imbedded bandcamp link... press down on it to get the knowledge yo!!

RAWTALK INTERVIEW

OTHER PRESS

KNOWLEDGE MAGAZINE

UK ALL DAY

BLACK BUDGET ENTERTAINMENT

STYLE43

NAHRIGHT (SCROLL DOWN, POSTED AS A BONUS, MESSED UP THE EMBED LINK BUT OH WELL, THEYRE GOOD PPLS...)

And last but not least, the cock chewing 2DOPEBOYZ - Feel free to leave a comment cussing them like a couple other people have for their snide and sarcastic comments.

Peace1.

Thats What Eye See #11 - GUERILLA MARKETING