Me and Uncle Lew. You can see I have Tiger Blood (read : drugs) running through my veins
Uncle Lew is known primarily for A) Being Irish B) Living in Canada C) Biting my leg on my birthday a few years back (pause) D) Pretending to be my carer at a 24 hour garage while I pretended to be disabled and most importantly E) Being part of the baddest motherfucking punk-rock-scratch-electronic-hip hop-punch-your-gran-in-the-face crew of all time, Grandeurs Of Delusion (G.O.D) alongside DJ Maroon (or Rich Destiny, as I prefer to call him) and the motherfucking legendary god body, Jimmy Hatetank AKA DJ Manipulate.
For ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to do with G.O.D including info, pics, tour dates, video and of course merch (if you didn't buy a copy of the first LP, get one now, or one yourself from here STAT) go peep the website HERE
I was privileged enough to tour with the boys last year for the Community Scratch Games as resident shit talking host MC, a fucking wicked 3 days that I will tell you all about at a later date. Anyways, I am currently working on a track with Uncle Lew and a Dutch friend of his named Frank for a forthcoming EP that they are due to release (all details TBC). Needless to say, me being me and all, it's a double time love song about being cheated on by an ex girlfriend. Of course it is.
My point is, during the course of our back and forth emails, Uncle Lew took the time out to give me some very sage advice on how to write the perfect battle rap, despite the fact the man has never written a bar in his life and I'm writing a love song. Still, for all you sucker duck wannabe MCs out there, take note... Uncle Lew is not to be trifled with. Unless you want a fuck off great bite bruise on your leg (pause).
TO ALL ASPIRING RAPPERS - PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO UNCLE LEWIS
Not that I have ever rapped, but I thought you might find this useful:
This is my battle verse template designed to give aspiring young rappers a place to start from:
yo x 8 (minimum)
Yo, I spit hot venom/
My flow is the best/
Shit is real in my area or hood/
I fucked your mum or she is dead (either one is optional)/
Your Dad is gay/
I flow like *insert gun metaphor* on a *insert timely synonym based quip*/
You have 'x' sexually transmitted disease/
You look like*insert character name*...Off Eastenders/
check the flow, I have a deep crew/
My optimal mode of transport is *insert desirable vehicle* while YOURS is *insert undesirable vehicle* /
Your diet is embarrasingly bad and no one would eat what you eat cause you're not smart enough to eat normally like other cool rappers who Like and respect me/
...Now you can post all that shit on you twitter page as you are suitably humiliated from the insightful and original battle rap I just dropped cause only I can do that/
Further instructions based on above template:
1. Throw both hands in the air before dropping final punchline to get everyone to be really quiet so the people in the back can hear the final line of your freestyle
2. Stand uncomfortably close to the person / persons you are battling.
3. Phone the bank and tell them you will be coming in shortly to make a large deposit of 'cheddar' which is of course money and not cheese.
I think really think is already in common use but I thought I would formalise the template.
thoughts / critique?
Critique? Sheeeeeiiit. Tell Jay Z he's finished. Uncle Lew is in town now baby.
R.I.P. STANLEY LOCKJAW, THE GREATEST TO EVER DO IT
PS - Have you downloaded my new track, leaked from 1 of 2 of my forthcoming albums? No? Well do it now! I know this post is all about Uncle Lew, but this is my blog and I'm crowbarring any which way but loose. Uncle Lew would approve.
Come On (Prod. Wizard) by Enlish AKA Big Dave LO