"Wow, this jazz fag is the bomb diggy." Prince William is coughing and spluttering. As suspected, the calibre of piff supplied to this balding, regal, horse-faced batty is a little too much for his precious, jewel encrusted lungs. "Kate, darling, come and take a puff on this.... What do you call this, David?"
"Cannabis, Will."
"Cannabis, that's the ticket. Jolly good. Oh Catherine dear, do come over here and take a 'hit' on this 'cannabis' and meet my friend David. He's a rapper
don't you know, and a jolly good one at that."
Getting high with the royals is no joke, especially seeing as Prince William doesn't seem to realise that his darling Kate is blatantly getting some on the side from his snotnosed ginger Nazi of a little brother right underneath his giant schnoz and is none the wiser. I choose to keep my mouth shut regarding this. I'm at Buckingham Palace and the soon to be princess is parading around in next to nothing apparently for the entertainment of myself and Manfred, their butler. Neither of us are interested in her flat, curveless frame but humour her nonetheless as she parades around the room, tripping over and stumbling like a toddler in her mothers heels, looking more like Barbara Windsor with a booze problem in "Carry On Trying" than soon-to-be royalty. I've nearly run out of patience with her and start to wonder why I've even bothered coming here in the first place.
"Stop hogging the blunt Billy, shit" I say, snatching the trees off the little prick. "Put the music on and shut the fuck up." As soon as 'Arrogance Is Bliss' Ft. Sean Price, Stig Of The Dump and DJ Manipulate (produced by Ido) comes banging out of the speakers, the mood in the room changes noticeably. Prince Will, having taken just a little too much in on that last go round, starts having violent seizures and foaming at the mouth, convulsing, involuntarily smashing his own head against the marble fire place. Kate Middleton reacts to the music a little better, attempting to 'drop down and get her eagle on' on top of a priceless 15th century mahogany coffee table, scratching the shit out of the finish with her diamond studded Jimmy Choos. By the time Sean Price's verse kicks in, Manfred has had enough. "You fucking BITCH!! I've had it up to here with you!!!" He's screaming, tears welling up in his eyes. He has reached his breaking point.
Manfred rushes Miss Middleton, spear tackling the malnourished waif like Kimbo Slice sprinting at Tom Hanks' character in Philadelphia. There is euthanasia on his mind. He has a murderous, demonic glare in his eyes, magnified by the monacle that is ready to crack and shatter due to the pressure of his facial muscles bearing down on it's pewter frame. He throws his full body weight at her, shoulder connecting perfectly with sternum in some sort of beautiful yet brutally violent union, producing a satisfying CRACK, folding her in two with the ease of the fingers of a well trained master of origami working with damp crepe paper; she wheezes as the oxygen is forced from her body, her frame flying through the air, crashing into the wall, spraying blood all over a painting of Prince Philip (cock) before her limp, lifeless body thumps to the floor like a bag of dry dog turds. I think she might be dead, but neither Manfred nor I bother to check. She's dead to us, and that's what matters.
By this time Prince William has seemingly got himself under control. Before he has the chance to see the smashed sack of skin and bones that is supposedly his future Princess lying motionless on the floor, I quickly slam on 'Brain Basher', one of the free tracks that comes with the download of Arrogance Is Bliss, part of a 14 track package for £3 available from http://enlish.bandcamp.com. With this, both he and Manfred are invigorated; it seems that the apparent madness haunting Jack Nicholson and the Overlook Hotel in The Shining has now pervaded the walls of this very palace. While I sit back and leisurely smoke, all the while listening to the incredible music bumping out of the speakers, Bill and Manny take turns in violently headbutting each other and having a 'who can kick each other in the nuts the hardest' contest. It transpires that Prince Billy is no pushover, smashing poor Manfred in the bollocks so hard that he starts vomiting blood.
While revelling in his victory over the lowly manservant by pouring an entire bottle of Cristal over his head, William then unfortunately notices the crumpled sack of plasma and marrow that used to be his fiancee. As 'There You Go', an MOP sampling banger of a track (produced by Grill$smack) kicks in, William quickly and noticably loses his mind, shrieking like a banshee and running around the reception room in erratic circles. At this precise moment, however, he also realises the true extent of the damage to his royal testicles, sustained during the vicious kicking contest between him and the now possibly deceased Manfred. This massive physical trauma, combined with the horrible vision of his bride to be's crushed and lifeless body next to the gilded skirting boards proves a little too much for the inbred pea brain, and he faints, his head smashing once again against the marble fireplace, cracking the ornamental fixture clean in two like a master of karate chopping a wooden board.
So, there I am, still quite happily smoking a joint, surrounded by the blood and the fallout of the carnage, all created by the power of the 'Messed Up/Arrogance Is Bliss' deluxe AA side release (with free 11 track LP) available for purchase NOW from http://enlish.bandcamp.com for £3. I've had enough by now, so I get up to leave. As I'm walking past Manfred's now unrecognisable body and the gaping chasm now clearly visible on Prince Williams head, brains leaking all over the priceless persian rug, the apparently alive Miss Middleton reaches out and grabs my ankle, and with her last gasp of regal breath before she passes out, asks me - "Where can I cop the music, David?"
She is out like a light before I have a chance to answer, so I leave a business card on Manfred's now ruined coffee table and put a high quality, glossy, weatherproof sticker on Bill's head to try and help keep his brains inside.
On the way out of the palace I murder 2 beefeaters and knock a horse clean out with one punch. I then return to Brixton, giggling, buying some curried goat and ackee and saltfish from the takeaway before copping 12 hot wings from KFC with extra BBQ sauce to top it off and head home, satisfied.
I never heard from the royals again. Apparently they were supposed to be getting married or something. Bothered.
PURCHASE 'MESSED UP' FT DJ MANIPULATE & 'ARROGANCE IS BLISS' FT. SEAN PRICE, STIG OF THE DUMP AND DJ MANIPULATE FOR THE TINY SUM OF £3.00 AND RECEIVE THE 'RAP AIN'T REAL, MY LIFE IS REAL' LP FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE!
CLICK THE ENLISH BANNER ABOVE OR THE SMALL ALI PIC TO THE RIGHT TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE BANDCAMP!
LINKS -
BANDCAMP (£3 FOR 14 TRACKS)
ITUNES (£0.79 FOR THE SINGLE SONG)
PRESS
RAWTALK INTERVIEW
KNOWLEDGE MAGAZINE
UK ALL DAY
BLACK BUDGET ENTERTAINMENT
STYLE43
NAHRIGHT (SCROLL DOWN, POSTED AS A BONUS, MESSED UP THE EMBED LINK BUT OH WELL, THEYRE GOOD PPLS...)
And last but not least, the cock chewing 2DOPEBOYZ - Feel free to leave a comment cussing them like a couple other people have for their snide and sarcastic comments.
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