New Battle : Myself Vs Henry Bowers (Dont Flop)

Enjoy. I act like a bit of a tit here, talking during his rounds and dropping slick comments. Booze + tension = me doing this. Oh well, fuck it, shit happens and I cant change it now innit. Boom.

Elzhi - Memory Lane Video

The dope shit. Id kill to see some of that old footage in full.

DECEMBER.

So, December is finally here which means that we all have to submit (if we haven't already) to Christmas trees, Christmas music, Christmas decorations AND, most crucially, Christmas DEBT. As we all bounce around the shops looking to spend as much money as we can on things that our loved ones don't need and that we can't afford (at least the majority of us) it is important to remember the TRUE spirit of christmas - that spirit being trying extra hard not to kill anyone. Although this is a rule you should follow every day of your lives (unless you're a soldier, a hit man or are in a similar line of work) I find it particularly difficult to follow at this time of year.

It's finally December. I just want to say a massive fuck you to the people that live opposite who have had their christmas tree up since BEFORE HALLOWEEN. You now all have my permission to feel festive, if thats even possible, because if your situation is anything like mine you're broke out the ass and struggling to make minimum payment on your credit card that you shouldnt be using. God bless capitalism and this divine western culture of decadence we live in.

END OF LINE.

Action Bronson X Fader TV

More Action Bronson cookery madness to, if you're anything like me, be pissed off at because you can't cook (thats actually a lie because I'm a fucking wiz in the kitchen, but I cant make cornbread muffins, so its close enough for me).

That's What Eye See #23 : Mixed Messages #2

Stupid. Really, what's the fucking point?

That's What Eye See #22 : Flintstone Shoes

Hmmmm.

DON'T FLOP - Blood In The Water 5 *TRAILER*

A full 10 minute teaser trailer for the most recent Don't Flop BITW event, in which I competed. You can hear me scream at around the 1.14 mark and rap shortly after. Rappity rap raps.

Tim Hardaway Going H.A.M.

I fucking love this. Makes me want to go out and play ball right now in the freezing cold with my fucked up knees and ankles. Maybe next summer.



The funny thing is that if anyone dared open their mouth in the NBA these days they'd be slapped with 8000 technicals, a 12 billion dollar fine and be banned for the whole season. If there was a season to begin with. Oh right.




Anyone remember Run TMC? They were the shit.

THE CHAMP IS HERE

So if you didn't know, I battled Henry Bowers at the Don't Flop Blood In The Water 5 event in Brixton this past weekend. The event was spread out over 2 days and incorporated a 2 on 2 tournament, the 'Times Change' tournament final and a number of high profile domestic and international matches which saw myself barring it out with a hairy swede. I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge any results (publicly) as that would ruin the surprise when the videos drop, but one piece of welcome news came in the form of this little beauty. If you voted for Cruger & I you have my utmost thanks as this was the piece of rapping validation that my life was lacking as I bulldoze full steam ahead through the filter end of my 20's into the impending doom of the big three-zero. Cheers.



The weekend was a lot of fun and saw me consuming a shit load of booze, surprise surprise. I'm glad its over with though as preparing for written battles is a very long and time/energy consuming process that forces you to almost completely neglect every other aspect of being an MC, mainly writing songs, which I am now looking forward to banging out with a clear conscience. Going Amsterdam to record in 2 weeks and thus far I have next to nothing written so I need to get my game up if I'm going to be able to justify putting some of that good sticky icky in the air. You hear me knocking? Well let me the fuck in then!

'Like A Motherf*cking Bee'

Apologies for my lack of BS as of late, shit got pretty hectic last week what with all the rap battling and shit I was doing. It should be back to business as usual now although I seem to be creating more and more work for myself as each day passes.

As well as living my life as a 'normal' human being (working, socialising, eating, sleeping etc) I have recently become the member of a band, have had a trip to Amsterdam in 2 weeks time paid for by a producer who would like me to rap on his beats (meaning I have to write as much material as possible in the next 14 days), have supposedly picked up a new job (yet to hear a confirmation on that) and in my SPARE time have been concentrating on being a complete and utter boss, which is suffering due to time constraints.

Anyways, enough about me. How you doing? Is it? Nice.

'Stupid Bitch' Demo Track - Free Download (If you REALLLY want it)

Seeing as I was bored I wrote a (in terms of content) completely pointless verse to Dre's 'Light Speed' instrumental. I dont have a recording set up, so once Ive written anything its usually the case that Ive got to wait to lay anything down, then wait for it to be mixed, mastered and the rest. However, seeing as I had loads of more important things to do but prefer procrastinating, I decided to rap the verse at my mac and record it on Garageband. To achieve this I put a duvet cover over myself and the computer, which must have looked ridiculous. I then added the skit bits and 'mixed' it (if you can really call what I did 'mixing') before uploading it to soundcloud. The entire process took about an hour and is a good way to demo material, so I might do some more in the future.

The vocal quality is appalling as i was using the internal mic on my laptop. Shit sounds rugged (or rugged sounds shit, depending on your preference). Anyway, in the words of Eli Porter, I DEEEEED IT.

'Stupid Bitch' DEMO by Enlish AKA Big Dave LO

Next Up To Bat

Theres some really good underground Hip Hop coming out right now, seemingly trending toward the Lo Fi sound what with so much super crispy Dr Dre sounding stuff coming out left right and centre. I like it. Below is a couple of joints from relative newcomers Mr Motherfuckin' eXquire & Quelle Chris, both of whom have projects available for free that you can find if you look hard enough, which won't have to be that hard at all. Peep.


Mr Motherfuckin' eXquire

Huzzah!


Huzzah! Remix


Quelle Chris - SON



... And although neither of these cats (with the possible exception of Danny Brown) are 'new, their new EP 'Black & Brown' is a fucking banger, with this being my favourite jam. Go BUY that. Highly recommended.

Black Milk & Danny Brown - Jordan VIII

Exciting Prospects

Cool man. Just shoot me now, yeah?

Evidence Of My Previous Claims....

Which you can see 1 post below, or HERE




This is the worst -

ELZHI - ELmatic in London

I blatantly should have been here instead. Hindsight.

Doom Vs Ghostface....

..... Or, more accurately, Rocky Vs a cow carcass or a German Luger Vs a water pistol. To be entirely honest, after being somewhat excited to see this gig, I thought it was a pile of horse shit. Please do bear in mind that this is my opinion and my opinion only; everybody who was there (which was upwards of 1200 or so people at a rough estimate) has a different opinion I'm sure, you only needed to have a pair of ears to hear people all across Camden talking about it after with everyone's view on the gig seeming to differ from the next mans. Here followeth my own.

Not knowing exactly what to expect as I'd never been to The Roundhouse before, I was firstly taken aback by the size of the place. Pretty fucking big to be exact and a lot bigger than I'd expected. The fact that I'm not a fan of being with a lot of people in one place (the irony that I live in London is not lost on me) saw this being an immediate setback as, for some reason, I assumed that this gig would be more of a lowkey affair, mainly attended by hip hop fans of the more mature persuasion. I was completely wrong.

Snapbacks and skinny jeans as far as the eye could see. Wafer thin V neck T shirts exposing intricately stupid chest tattoos. Girls running around the shop screaming like it was a school disco or something. The main floor of The Roundhouse has a number of poles placed, funnily enough, in a circular design to (I assume) help keep the roof from falling in. During the entirety of Doom's set there was a young man, probably around 19, about a foot off the ground clinging to one of these poles and humping it as vigorously and in such a way as you might expect an un-spayed adolescent puppy to treat the leg of an important house guest. Very, very unusual.



Anyway, in short, Doom and Ghost didnt spend any time on stage together at all, which sort of defeated the object for me. Doom's set was first and was very similar if not identical to the last time I saw him. The fact is the last time I saw him I was completely and utterly drunk beyond belief, something that I regretted massively at the time. Seeing him this time around and being sober proved to be far more rewarding and if nothing else bolstered my memories of the first gig as it was, in essence, exactly the same. Doom has good presence on the mic and also possesses the ability to rap all of his verses all the way through from beginning to end without relying on a hypeman to finish his lines. An admirable trait and one that not enough MCs are au fait with these days. His set mainly consisted of tracks from the Madvillain LP with some of MMM Food?, Dangerdoom, King Gheedorah and (not enough) Operation Doomsday sprinkled in. Thorough yet unremarkable.

Ghostface came on next after a kind of bizarre intermission where the lights came back on and everyone got to see each others faces, a pretty scary experience halfway through a club night when nearly everyone present is rabidly drunk and sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop. it was at this point that I decided to go for a piss, which proved unfortunate as many others had the same idea. It also then occurred to me what a massive sausage fest the night was. The queues for the blokes toilets were 20 or so deep; the queues for the ladies were non existent. While I was waiting to piss I could hear that Ghost was on the stage but, not wanting to piss myself, continued queuing in an orderly fashion for the (flooded) toilet.

I'm not entirely sure what I missed in that 10 minute period but when I got back in to the main standing area I was presented with the oh-so-familiar sight of an American rapper sloppily stumbling through a celebrated back catalogue of songs with all of the pin point precision of an epileptic tattoo artist inking wet skin in a dubstep rave. He had 2 or maybe 3 hypemen, 1 of which was Trife and all of whom had mics that may as well had been turned off. Ghost would spit half a line and then stop in order for his 3 hypemen to finish it, but seeing as their mics were virtually non existent the audience (from where I was standing) were then treated to half a bar of silence instead of the completed stanza. After whipping through an unremarkable selection of solo tracks from his various projects the set essentially descended into an ODB/36 Chambers karaoke with no one on the stage really doing anything other than stumbling around while the instrumentals were playing while the DJ continually hit the 'airhorn' and 'explosion' buttons on his sampler. And that was about it.

As stated, these opinions are my own, and in all honesty I thought that the gig was a pile of horse shit. I wasnt the only one either as I overheard many conversations afterwards with people saying the same thing, but then again I also heard a lot of people singing both of their praises and saying it was the best concert they'd ever seen. Horses for courses innit. Disappointed, and to top it off I caught some sort of funky virus off of one of the skinny jeaned fags in there which has layed me up for the last 3 days. I can think of a lot of different ways in which the 70 odd quid I spent could have been used better, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I wont go into my Mrs going back stage and being hit on by Ghost and all his cronies. Its almost as if they were aware of the injury they'd caused me personaly and wanted to add a little insult into the mix to spice things up.

Here followeth a few flicks of Doom on stage wearing his bizarre camouflage costume. Didnt attempt to take any of Ghost, for obvious reasons.




In conclusion, A) Random Axe was much better and B) I wish I'd gone to see Elzhi at the Jazz Cafe instead of going to this. Simple as.

50 CENT AINT GOT SHIT ON ME

LMFAO. Luckily my hand to hand and Bandcamp numbers have been a bit more healthy. It also helps that I've got a sense of humour haha

That's What Eye See #21 : Romantic N*gga

This is the absolute shit. I copped this at a roadside market stall whilst Lil' Tika and I were travelling around Bolivia. I started pissing myself with laughter, much to the bemusement of the FUBU & Pure Playaz wearing stall owner. I ended up copping it for my boy Daps as I knew he'd appreciate it as much as I did. Turns out the geezer is a Peruvian RnB singer and has since changed his name to 'Flex'. Doubtful a South American singer could get away with keeping the N word as his stage name, that would be like Justin Bieber changing his name to Michael Clarke Duncan or some shit.



"THE ROMANTIC STYLE"

I Am DJing TONIGHT

4 Hours of Big Dave on the wheels at The Corner Shop on Shoreditch High Street. Free entry. Come and get your Halloween on. Holla.

Action Bronson Is Cool As Hell

ACTION BRONSON from ISYS on Vimeo.

Foods Of The World Vol. 1

BANG BANG BOEUFFFF!!!!!

Whilst sitting here considering which of the various subjects I tackle on this blog to write about today, I decided it was high time to introduce a new one, albeit one we can all indulge in.... FOOD. Everyone has to eat, a lot of people take enjoyment in eating, some do not, but the fact remains; fan of Hip Hop or not, there comes a time on a daily basis (for most) when food must pass your lips to avoid a major disaster. That's certainly the case with me, and depending on who you talk to, you may hear a whispered rumour that a little too much food has been known to pass my lips from time to time. I don't give a fuck, I wasn't born to have a Peter Andre 'Mysterious Girl' 6 pack, I'm a British man; I eat pies, drink beer and have a metabolism about as quick as Stephen Hawking on a Formula 1 track.

Anyway, I digress. As some of you may or may not know, from September 2009 until May 2010 myself and Lil' Tika (my wiz) travelled the world in search of fun and debt, which we pretty much found in every place we visited. During this time we of course managed to sample many delicacies unfamiliar to our British palates and duly photographed many of them. So, without further ado, Foods Of The World 'proudly' presents volume 1 : The Bean Curd Milkshake.



BLLEEUUURRRGGHHH. Still looks disgusting. This was purchased from a shop in Singapore airport called 'Jollibean', much as you might purchase a coffee from Starbucks. They literally sold variations of soy milk with various bean curds, and that was it. Needless to say, I DID NOT buy this, but my lady did; I opted for a beer at the bar instead. To be entirely honest I can't remember if I tried it although I most likely did as I'm not a pussy, but my memories of it are not good ones. I mean, look at the picture; it is certainly not the most appetising concoction to look at. If you have any knowledge of soy milk (which I do, unfortunately) you will know it tastes like liquidised cardboard. Add some flavoured bean curd into that bitch and you have pretty much cocktailed my idea of hell in a cup. Lil' Tika enjoyed it... fuck knows how though. I mean, look at it.

J-Zone Book Excerpt #3: Back On the Plantation – When Rappers Get Day Jobs.

*I jacked this from Complex or Ego Trip, I forget which one, but its seemingly being spread all over the net anyway and figured its good promotion. I will most certainly be buying this book when it comes out and I recommend you do the same*



Third excerpt from J-Zone’s forthcoming book, Root for the Villain: Rap, Bullshit, and a Celebration of Failure. What happens when your rap career ends and money is short? You go the Tim Dog route and juice a woman for comeback album money, you go the Hammer route and launch another search engine, you occupy Wall Street while you starve and freeze, or you (gulp) get a J-O-B! A hilarious look at a foray into the foreign territory of the 9 to 5 world, post-rap career.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing after the high school basketball game I had been covering was over.

“Yo man, you J-Zone?” the point guard asked me before I could ask him about his 19 point, 8 assist performance.

I asked him to repeat his question. Not to flatter myself, but to make sure I’d heard him correctly. My ears weren’t bullshittin’.

“Ummm,” I stammered.

“Dude,” he cut me off. “The YouTube videos of you chillin’ in the drive-thru at White Castle and licking whipped cream off those foam titties are classic!”

I was part shocked that someone born after 1985 knew who I was by face, part embarrassed that my attempts to be professional as a sports reporter were trumped by being known as the Onion Ring and Titty Man, and part flattered that an obscure and pseudo-famous rap guy like myself was even remembered years after my modest music career had gone kaput. I guess that’s what happens to the quasi-successful middle ground rap man who’s teetering the top of a fence that separates two universes – he eventually falls over to the “real” job side. And it fucks up folks who fail to realize he wasn’t that famous in the first place.

Levels of status

First, we have the megastar. When the musical careers of 50 Cent, Lil’ Wayne, and Kanye West come to a halt, there’s an ice cube’s chance under a fat girl’s ass that they would ever work nine-to-five jobs. Imagine Wayne attempting to pass a piss test to become a second grade teacher and kissing Birdman on the mouth for good luck before taking the ATS-W exam. What about Kanye raking up $11 an hour to re-rack returned U.S. Polo Association shirts at Sears?

When the musical endeavors of megastars no longer hold any weight, they’ve already become big enough entities to make a living via movies, their own lines of wife-beater shirts, and unscheduled appearances at events where they break Moet bottles over the heads of artists who are hot at the moment for pay. They’d never dare step into a nine-to-five; it just doesn’t compute after that much time on top. If you’re naturally crazy or irresponsible enough to never stand a chance in the world of day jobs, God usually grants you success in entertainment so you won’t starve to death.

Next, we have the Recreational Indie Rap Artist (RIRA). The Raptionary would define him as such:

Recreational Indie Rap Artist: (reck-ree-ayshun-ul-indee-rap-ahrtist) noun.
1. A rap hobbyist who earns his living outside of the music business. Thus, he can typically afford to release music and perform for free.

The pinnacle of his career was holding down the opening slot at shows and churning out an album that was a compilation of all his 12” singles and mixtape freestyles. After his post-soundcheck performance, the RIRA broke out immediately because he had to work in the morning. Chances that he’ll ever be recognized in public long after he’s active are hovering at around zero and he’ll never have to field questions about why he never “made it” or why he’s no longer giving enough of a shit to still be trying. Through it all, the RIRA avoids the culture shock of entering the nine-to-five world in his 30s and 40s. Thus, his predicament is better than one would think.

I can’t forget about the “Golden Era” legends. Current releases from them are scarce, but they’ve laid enough hip-hop classics to wax to get placement in respected foreign music festivals or the Rock the Bells tour. Their aforementioned classic song catalogs also allow them to have their music licensed on a major scale and avoid getting laughed off the phone when they name their guest appearance fee.

But the most enigmatic of all is the quasi-successful middle ground musician. He got to enjoy his I-do-what-I-love-for-a-living phase, only to be awoken by a 500-foot drop into the working world that the other levels of entertainer don’t typically experience. He had potential, but never really got over the hump. His music is now largely available for free on various blogs and virus-laden bit torrents on the internet, but these days he’s got bigger fish to fry – like trying to get some overtime. By the time he gets home, he spends his hour of free time in the kitchen preparing tomorrow’s bag lunch and ironing his shirt and slacks.

It can take anything from a drastic plunge in record sales, kids, impending financial instability, a growing disinterest in the music business, or the realization that paying for an MRI with no health insurance costs what that gold toilet in Master P’s bathroom costs – any or all of the above can make the quasi-successful rap guy fall into this reality. This reality is now mine. I once trotted the globe, had the option of sleeping until noon, plugged women on different continents based on the perception that I was more famous than I really was, and landed on the cover of a skater magazine with a music article or two in it. In my current reality, those conquests hold as much weight as a copy of Bobby Seale’s Seize the Time at a Tea Party meeting. In this reality, I’m starting from zero.

A Job Ain’t Nuthin’ but Work: Be Careful What You Wish For

In 2009, it was painfully clear that it was time for me to make some real loot. Teaching a music course at my Alma mater was gratifying, but short-lived thanks to state budget cuts. My mother suggested that I go back to school to become a K-12 teacher, but what kids will listen to some guy telling them to read pages 17-31 for homework after they go on YouTube and discover he made a song about accidentally taking an underage girl to the movies and treating her to a box of Sno-Caps? After two years of matching James Evans from Good Times’ yearly salary via random DJ gigs and beat sales, sports reporting, fruitless job hunting, and blogging for charity, I finally got my first “real” job in over a decade.

I landed the job due to my being humble enough to know that there’s no such thing as being “overqualified” these days. After Katie from Utah moves to NYC to live out her dream via an exorbitantly-priced Master’s degree in education, you can find her teaching alright… teaching the new girl at the bar how to pour a Guinness Stout and use the right amount of grenadine in a Tequila Sunrise. Therefore, I didn’t scoff at pushing gym memberships for my re-introduction to the working world. Eleven years after my small record label took flight and I told my boss at Automobile Club of America to go fuck himself, I was telling some wide and fried heifer she was a Milk Dud away from having a heart attack, and dropping $222 upfront and $36 a month was the only action that could prevent her caked-up arteries from slamming the breaks on her ticker.

“Look ma’am, you’re in trouble if you don’t lose weight,” I pitched on my first sale attempt. “Can I tell you about our summer special?”

Hey, don’t scowl at me. The only way to make any real money in America is via the next person’s fear. Ask the church, your mechanic, your lawyer, your shrink, the IRS, the creators of match.com, your HMO, or Suge Knight circa 1997. Fear-based income is recession-proof; I tried to get rich via making people fear fatness.

When you’re pitching a gym membership to every person who comes through the door like they’re a bitch with a fat ass and you just came home from Rikers, you tend to be pretty low on the respect meter in the eyes of snobs in Nouveau York. People ‘round these parts would rather drink wine, eat expensive cheeses, collect degrees like Garbage Pail Kid cards, and give you that bourgeois impression that they’re doing something significant when they’re doggy paddling in school debt. There are no real “qualifications” for sales jobs at gyms, so a dinner conversation with your girlfriend’s family feels something like a pleather turtle neck. To chat it up with some of the gym’s members about the life and times of “The Situation” from Jersey Shore can be a bit taxing too. It’s also worth noting that in an industry where many men have gone bald from pumping steroids, I was known as “the guy with the hair.”

“Jay, you can’t let potential members walk out the door,” my boss pounded daily throughout my first month on the job. “They can say they can’t afford the gym or ‘I’ll think about it’ all they want. If they walk out, you lost.”

I lost quite a bit. I did find moderate success tracking down due fees from members over the phone, but that prowess can be attributed to a decade of chasing dollar store rap moguls around for the remaining $4.50 owed on a $500 beat they bought from me. Nonetheless, when it came to meeting my sales quota and stacking that commission, I was a blown transmission. My last day on the job featured me angrily attacking the gumball machines at the front of the gym for no valid reason whatsoever. I realized then that I was in no shape to be working in the real world.

To be fair, there were some very real and sharp people at the gym. The experience gave me a take on some other folks besides hip-hop brats. One day I fell into a discussion with a woman who had spent some time in Europe. When I began to give accounts of my time spent overseas as a little-known musician, she asked me if I attended college. After all, how could a thirty-something year old black man with a nappy ‘fro and honey oat bread Subway sandwich crumbs on his gym staff shirt be educated and well-traveled enough to know anything about Iceland? The vibe only got more bizarre when she learned I graduated college with honors. Then, the elephant Crip-walked through the gym’s doors and farted.

“Jay,” she said flatly. “You’re a little overqualified to be working at a gym.”
No. “Overqualified” is a fancy synonym for “yeah, whatever nigga, just grab a broom.” The Raptionary would define a music degree like this:

Music Degree: (myoo-zik dih-gree) noun.
1. A laminated document from a university that is primarily used as a dustpan. It comes in handy when sweeping up paper shreds, pushpins, and random shit off the office floor.

When the gym’s basement flooded, that “overqualified” shit gave me an insane amount of leverage over the rest of the staff – I got to use the squeegee instead of the mop. Jobs in the working world share one parallel with the entertainment business – both are based on timing and who you know. A lot of people with music business connections don’t have many working world connections. That meant that I was the perfect candidate to change the gym’s TV channel when that whale-sized, party plate-ordering broad on the recumbent bike just had to watch the Goddamn Food Network when everyone else wanted World Cup soccer. I may have been the only person on the gym staff with a Bachelor’s degree, but the only piece of paper worth diddly shit in my reality was the sales sheet. Decade-old college achievements didn’t produce numbers. My ability to convince Big Shirley to stop eating mofongo and buy a personal training package did. That lucrative skill is typically learned sometime around high school, when you’re competing with drug dealers and jocks to pull girls. It’s called the gift of gab, and if you’re attempting to hurdle-hop in the real world without it, you’re fucked. Take your 30-page senior thesis and shove it up your ass.

Working in sales also made me more curmudgeonly than I already was, because constant smiling is a requisite.

“Jay, c’mon bro,” my boss would plead. “You need to smile more!”

My theory on smiling unnecessarily goes like this: Would you stand at the urinal if you didn’t have to take a leak? Would you just pull your cock out, stand there holding it, and gaze starry-eyed at the Koehler logo on the top of the urinal simply because you have the ability to shoot piss from it? Case closed. I was without a doubt the Homie D. Clown of the fitness industry for four months.

Crunching Numbers

Today, I’m juggling a temporary support staff job in a financially-strapped school district and three low-paying side jobs. At school, the kids keep me sharp by testing my wits daily. (When my ex-barber zeeked my afro and turned it into an accidental hi-top fade, the kids gave me my current nickname around school: “House Party”.) My fellow staff members are chill enough to make work bearable, enjoyable even. (The principal breaks into the Kid-N-Play kick step dance whenever I enter his office.) My supervisor is a human encyclopedia and the greatest boss I’ve ever had. It’s also worth noting that he was Rakim’s sixth grade math teacher. Soaking up daily spills of knowledge from the man who taught arguably the greatest MC of all time how to put seven MCs in a line and mathematically destroy ‘em makes my days that much greater. However, policy says I’m not entitled to full salary and benefits for doing a job that I’ve even been told I’m “overqualified” for (yet the person I replaced got full salary and benefits) because I didn’t take a test that isn’t even being offered for another two years. Yeah, that makes as much sense as the girl with the Coke bottle body getting the record deal over the fat girl with the golden voice, but that’s just the way shit goes. The rulebook protocol of nine-to-fives and the dysfunctional protocol of the music business – neither is better than the other. Just pick your poison and develop an immunity to it.

Some of my music peers have been cornered into doing arbitrary freelance work and shooting social network pleas for relevance. Financially, the music world has become a barren wasteland for many, so some days it seems like squaring up for a 30-year bid in the world of “mature adults” is the move. After 10 months in that world, I can’t say I endorse it.

To be continued in the book…

Random White Basketball Plavers Vol. 3

JOE WOLF




On the front, Joe Wolf has the looks and the name of an All American hero destined for great things. The back of the card tells a different story however. First of all, look at this motherfucker's mullet. You might have got away with this in the 1980's but even in the early 90's this must have been somewhat of a faux pas. Fair enough the NBA wasn't necessarily as 'cool' as it is now with regards to players rocking outrageous tattoos and colour coordinated accessories, but god damn it, if MJ couldn't wear his black and red Jordan ones in the league surely Joey here should have had some sort of restrictions placed on his hairstyle. Lets look at the stats.

From 4 NBA season totals -

GP = 259
FG% = .422
FT% = .783
REB= 1090
AST = 380
STL = 160
BLK = 87
PTS = 1615 / AVG = 6.2 PPG

So, a pretty lackluster career in all. Add to this the criminal length of his shorts (you ain't John Stockton, buddy) and those Converse that he's rocking and the only notable thing about Joes career is his throwback, which of course wasn't a throwback then, it was just a jersey. Also, to add insult to injury I don't suppose he actually owned it, just borrowed it to underperform in.

Winston Wolf he was not.

Farma G's 5 Word Freestyle - Highlights

This occurred a couple of weeks back, with yours truly entering. I pop up around the 0.35 mark and drop two bars of pure fire. As you might be able to tell from the footage it was an incredibly close call and the crowd had to be asked to make noise 3 or 4 times over. I ended up getting knocked out at this point, which was the second round. My main fear when entering battles is getting knocked out in the first and seeing that my name was first out the hat AGAIN the pressure was well and truly on, but the first round proved to be no problem whatsoever.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think that I won this round, but such is the case when decisions are left up to the crowd rather than a panel of judges (there was a panel of judges, but they were judging on the crowd reactions, of course). Luckily (in a way) this is a situation that I'm familiar with having been 100% cheated out of winning battles I'd clearly taken in the past when judged by the crowd. I'm not bellyaching or being a sore loser, but truthfully I felt that I took my round (no disrespect to Ed Greenz) and that £150 would have come in incredibly useful. Still, it is what it is. Big up all the competitors, crowd (some of them, haha), Farma G, Chester P, Mystro, DJ Gone, Mr Thing, Louis Slipperz, Sarah Love, Newborn and the whole gang that was inside.

Salvo Mifune Ft. Ranson Badbonez (Nagasaki Youth Club) 'The Monster With 21 Faces' Video & FREE DOWNLOAD

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FREE DOWNLOAD - GET IT NOW

FULL RELEASE COMING SOON

Lowkey Album Launch Party

I've never been a particularly big fan of 'political rap' as it were, mainly due to the fact that in my opinion most of it just isn't executed very well. There are a number of exceptions of course, Public Enemy being the most obvious, but a lot of it just doesn't sit well with me. One main exception is Lowkey. Quite simply the cream of the crop regarding MCs from this country (and very possibly across the world) who focus mainly on political commentary, the first time I ever saw him live was at a Deal Real instore way back in the day, and his live show was that captivating that it was second nature to check his music.

Here follows some footage from the launch party for his 'Soundtrack To The Struggle' LP, which is available right now, so go cop that. The launch party itself looks crazy and I have heard from a few attendees that it was an absolute smash of a night. Also bear in mind that all of this has been achieved with no label backing and its all the more impressive. I really wanted to be there but left it too late and all the tickets had sold out. Random Axe = not sold out, Lowkey = sold out. Speaks volumes innit.

More info on Lowkey HERE. Credit for the footage goes to The Hip Hop Chronicle UK.

Random Axe Live @ The Scala 20/10/2011 - Gig Write Up

So, if you weren't already aware, Random Axe played last night and myself and Lil' Tika went along to see what was good. The last time I was at the Scala was back in February for the J Dilla tribute gig and was therefore not surprised to find that the venue was nowhere near capacity; thats not an insult to Random Axe, but more a compliment to the memory of Dilla, I'd like to think. Anyway, Tika & I went out to get some dinner and turned up to the spot around 10ish, meaning we stupidly managed to miss Jehst's performance and all of the warm up DJs apart from Mr Thing, who had about 15 or 20 minutes left to go in his set once we'd settled in.

The place was pretty packed, but not rammed, so we quite easily managed to get right to the front with only one row of people between us and the stage. Black Milk came out first and dropped 'Zoo Drugs' before Sean Price came out and dropped Figure Four, a personal favourite of mine if only for the fact that he starts the track with the single word 'Botswana' and of course shouts out Hex Murda (get well soon Hex).

I was pretty hyped at this point as, despite the fact that P is one of my all time favourites, I'd never seen him live before (despite my best efforts to the contrary), and he didn't disappoint. I'd heard mixed reviews of Sean P live and must admit that some of the videos I've seen on youtube dont seem to involve much more than him standing completely still on the stage and delivering his verses with a fitted pulled down to hide his face. On this occasion, however, he was mad energetic, bouncing around the stage, interacting with the crowd and joking about, including persistently referring to an imaginary person as a "penguin looking motherfucker."

Black Milk was comfortable behind the decks and also came out to knock out a couple of verses including the 'Everybody, Nobody, Somebody' joint and The Matrix (sans Pharoahe Monch, which was a shame). Proper did his thing though, very impressive, not only for the fact it was hot as hell in that bitch and he kept a puffer jacket on for pretty much the whole set.

I must admit though, Guilty Simpson absolutely SMASHED it. Proper mic control all night, no slip ups and flowed like water. A lot of the tracks he was rhyming on Black Milk cut the beat out completely and let him ride it accapella to the hook, and boy he was completely on point, his timing was impeccable. I did feel a little sorry for the dude, I must admit, as both him and Sean P did a couple of solo joints each, and very few people seemed to be familiar with his solo material (which was the opposite in the case of Sean Price). If my memory serves me correctly, which it often doesn't, Guilty dropped 'Get Bitches' and 'The Shining', Sean P did 'Boom Bye Yeah', 'Let Me Tell You' (the Beat Butcha joint, big up Butchy) and also a new, Alchemist produced joint from his forthcoming MIC Tyson LP. Couldn't tell you what it was called as I'd drank too much overpriced Red Stripe by that point to absorb any new information.

Another nice touch was that Sean P brought SAS (Mega & Mayhem) up on the stage to drop a verse. I've always been a fan of their music so it was cool to see them up there, it also made me wonder why we don't see/hear more from them. Guilty Simpson finished proceedings up with an accapella verse from 'Cali Hills', a fitting ending given the obvious Detroit association and the venue itself playing host to the Dilla tribute gig. There's probably more, but truth is I can't remember thanks to Stella and Mary Jane. Cheers ladies, pleasure making your acquaintance. Again.

So, all in all, a complete smash of a show which was a great look considering I hadn't gone in there with high hopes due to some of the not-so-good reviews I'd heard. I left drunk and inspired which as a result saw me staying up until 5 this morning penning bars, drinking cider and smoking wacky backy. Good times.

I took numerous photos on my Android, but because of the smoke machines they all got fucked up. These are the only 3 that are even vaguely decent -





I also took a bunch of videos but unfortunately they're all fucked as we were too close to the speakers and the sound has come out completely distorted. Luckily someone else was there last night and in a better position to record, so these videos come courtesy of youtube user 'essdilla' (many thanks). Still not perfect due to the acoustics in that place but you get the picture.




Check this one at the 0.34 second mark, you can clearly here me doing my ridiculous scream sound that punctuates so many of my tracks. Classic.



Enlish (ME) Ft. Sean Price, Stig Of The Dump & DJ Manipulate - Arrogance Is Bliss

I'M OUT

BOOM.

Today's Agenda

First of all, my normally god like mental capabilities have been severely compromised by the combination of lack of sleep coupled with too much coffee, resulting in me feeling like a keyed up zombie with a migraine. Not a good start then. To make matters even worse I've finally sat down to string together these bars for what may prove to be my final participation in the WRITTEN battle scene, at the Don't Flop Blood In The Water 5 event the weekend of November 14/15th. And, once you've seen what I'm about to show you, I think you'll agree that it is no wonder that I've procrastinated over this for so long. I mean, look at what I've got to deal with here.



But wait, it gets worse.... Massive pause on this by the way, but check this shit out



The worst thing about doing written battles is having to sit through hours of bullshit battles to make sure that you don't use the same insult or something even slightly similar as someone else has already used. This misery is compounded when you've got to spend that time looking at someone as ugly and weird as this dude right here. I'm just poking fun of course, I understand the geezer is a thoroughly nice guy but A) I'm getting on my WWF trash talking BS and B) regardless of the strength of his character, in my opinion there really is no excuse for A) the beard B) the dreads and C) uploading a video of yourself topless on youtube. So I'm having a dig. I don't do those bullshit 10 minute long faux beef 'vlogs', this is as close as I get. Another example of my lifelong affinity with procrastination.

It's not all bad though. When Lil' Tika gets back from her daily grind we'll be hitting up central for some dinner followed by a pleasant evening of drinks and dancing. Word is a barbershop trio are in town who will be harmonising soothing melodies as we gently waltz the evening away. I can't wait. Here is a promotional advert for said entertainment -





RANDOM

Rap Battle Parodies - Supa Hot Fire

This shit is TOO funny. I think Part 2 is even better than Part 1.

Supernatural Burns Australian MC; I lose my bottle

Ok, so the following footage is taken from a show that went down at Camden Barfly about a year or so ago. To cut a long story short, Stig and I did a gig in Swansea last year warming up for Louis Logic and Akil from Jurassic 5. Both of them were/are super sound geezers and Akil informed us that he was playing in Camden a couple of weeks later and very kindly offered to put us on the guestlist.

So, we turn up to the show just as Akil is beginning the part of his set where he brings guests that he rates to come up and spit a verse, which included Stig and myself. We both got up and did our thing, part written part freestyle, which was then followed by this poor Australian chap that you see getting ripped by Supernat. Truthfully the dude was OK but had no mic control whatsoever so nobody could hear a word he said, hence Supernat's line that alludes to that fact. I must admit I don't remember him directly dissing Supernat, however.

Anyway, as you can see from the footage, Supernat starts going in on the dude, cause well, that's what he does. The funny thing is, and I'd forgot abut this, is that I'd drank a sufficient amount of beer to A) feel this attack on the dude was unjustified and B) thought that I was the one to stand up and do something about it. If you pay attention at about the 44 second mark the camera pans across and you see me holding the mic in anticipation. I was truthfully planning on jumping in and sparring with Supernatural... I mean, that would be a pretty cool story right?

Fast forward to 1.33 and the tables have turned. Despite it being less than a minute later, I no longer have the mic because I remember a palpable feeling of terror washing over me as I stood waiting. He'd carried on going for 48 seconds after I'd decided to give it a dig, which is not a long time, but when you're on stage preparing to battle (even more so when you're in a battle getting cussed out) it seems like an eternity. So, for better or worse (probably better) I decided that it was NOT a good idea to spar with the god. Although, saying that now, I do regret it. This footage only popped up recently, I had literally forgot about it until this point. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but then again, so is not being crucified on stage by a certified veteran. You live and you learn. Observe -



Big up Supernat's faux English accent at the end. He also deserves credit for influencing Scizzahz and Wizard to come up with the term CHWOITTTT!!!!! Long story; you'll have to ask them about that.

Once reminded of this occasion, I scoured the depths of my Mac and managed to find this one photo from my trusty Nokia N81, before it packed up. Taken that night, Akil is not in it, but you can see myself, Stig, Supernatural and Louis Logic, who I think you'll agree could win an award for 'Mincer Of The Year' right here. Comedy.

Zombie In A Penguin Suit

Slow news day. Peace to Uncle Lewis for the assist.

The Karate Kid Chronicles Vol. 4

...One after the other. Lets go.

Well, it seems that its not just me that has an affinity for the Karate Kid.... Go check out Low Budget's Kaimbr on bandcamp for his new(ish) project 'Mr Miyagi', an instrumental album taking both music and inspiration from the first 3 Karate Kid flicks (but thankfully not the 4th, which is absolute horse shit, or the equally appalling recent remake).

http://kaimbr.bandcamp.com/



I smell a little side project coming up. Stay tuned.

The Karate Kid Chronicles Vol. 3

Ok, so if you hadn't noticed by now, I've got somewhat of an affinity for The Karate Kid (the film, that is, of course). I think this is mainly attributable to the fact that it is one of very few films that I saw as a youngster that has actually maintained its appeal into my adult years, unlike so many others (the original Adam West Batman flick, for example). As a child the film inspired me to take up Karate myself (due in no small part to the 'You're The Best' montage at the end tournament and the now legendary yet totally unfeasible crane kick), until I had my ass royally kicked a good few weeks in a row (see here for details). As an adult, it is the music, scenery and script that now hold the most interest for me... I mean, people actually came up with the concept of Mr Miyagi and the riddle filled wisdom he spouts at LaRusso; Bill Conti murks the score (panpipes included) and its just one of those flicks that I can happily go back to over and over again that inspires me to go out and crane kick kids in their early 20's dressed in skinny jeans and snapbacks.

Anyway, as coincidence would have it, youtube suggested the following video for me, and what was I to find but the director himself, John G Avildsen, had uploaded the entire film in its original form, i.e. the rehearsal tapes that were made before principal photography began, deleted scenes and all. This may not interest many, or indeed any of you, but I am an absolute fucking geek for this shit so it interested me, and thats what matters. Here follows the first part of 12 in all; the other 11 are easily locatable once you've watched this, should you feel the need. Observe and enjoy.

The Onset Of Winter...

... Has begun, in a less than traditional sense. Its still nice everyday and the temperature has only just started to drop ever so slightly. Global warming innit.

Anyway. When I first started writing this blog I swore to myself that I would keep it going for at least a year and also promised myself that I wouldnt leave it in a completely neglected form for too long. It seems that ive managed to just about keep one of the two promises at a 50% average, so I'm not doing too badly. In all honesty, the summertime is not really ideal with regards to me sitting in front of a computer, and now the shitty winter months are getting ready to set in I am, against all of the odds, attempt to get this ball rolling again.

Fact of the matter is the relatively healthy readership I initially amassed through tireless daily posting has probably slipped by the wayside somewhat, but I will prevail and keep things moving for those of you that are still interested.

Stay tuned for more bullshit talk, hip hop anecdotes, 80's film and memorabilia obsession, talk of clothes, hoes and kicks. There'll also be more music coming soon as well, so keep the peepers peeled for all the good shit.

Holla

That's What Eye See #20 - BIG Scizzle

My man @BigScizzle living on that high fat diet

Vote Enlish Vs Cruger for Don't Flop Battle Of The Year!!!

Please hit the official Don't Flop website & vote for Enlish Vs Cruger for battle of the year... If it whens I get a trophy for a battle that I didn't even (officially) win... Which makes me a winner by default!



VOTE NOW!!!!

Lazy Blogger Excuses

Mainly this, recently -



I've been mad slack on the blog recently, but in my defence, I've been gardening and writing more classic rap tracks for you to enjoy. October, and the onset of cold weather, will see me returning to my previous top form, however. Worry not, constant reader, although I'm sure you're not bothered in the slightest.

I'm going outside. 1

The Last 2 Weeks In Pictures

That's What Eye See #19/The Vintage Vaults - Jabba The Hut With A Dutch Master

Pretty much does what it says on the tin. Salacious Crumb in the back with the rolling papers.

Pour Out Some Liquor

RIP Iris. 26 years old. He'd be so fucked off by all this RIP stuff too, classic Jake.

1

Big Dave TV Vol 4. - Enlish Beats His Meat

Does what it says on the tin.

DICKHEAD - FULL VIDEO NOW UP!!! PLUS READ ON FOR LIMITED SPECIAL OFFER!!!

Here is the full version of the video for 'Dickhead'. As an added bonus, and for 24 hours only, there has been a PRICE SLASH BONANZA at enlish.bandcamp.com with the cost of the digi LP dropping to only £3, the CD to £4.99 and the last few USBs going for only £8.99 (including P&P!)!!!

THIS OFFER IS ONLY APPLICABLE FOR 24 HOURS SO GET YOUR SKATES ON!!!!!



Why delay? BUY TODAY!!!

The Best Rap Battle EVER.... And then some

Two good friends of mine and lifelong buddies (pause), Scizzahz & Wizard, doing the damn thing. Nothing in this battle is fabricated; everything they say is 100% reality. And that's whats popular.



Scizzahz - I Still Work Harder - LP Sampler



Scizzahz - Workaholic



Scizzahz - Scrape That



Big Wiz is ALWAYS on his grind. Check for all of his business below, including his new FREE download remix project and his infamous beat batch, where everything is for sale (unless otherwise stated).

'Spare Time' Remixes


http://wizardbeats.bandcamp.com/album/spare-time-3-remixes

Beats for sale (some of which have already been claimed by me!)

http://osbz.bandcamp.com/

CHWOOIIITTTT!!!!!

Not Doing School Work & Drawing Wu Tang Symbols Instead

Now, before I started writing and rapping, before I started DJing, shit before I even lost my virginity one thing was made completely and utterly clear to me. By any means necessary I had to be able to freehand a Wu Tang symbol that was as close to perfect as was possible. This particular endeavour began in 1993 at the age of 11 and continued on until around age 19, so in essence what I'm saying is that I spent the best part of my time in full time education dedicated to drawing hundreds and hundreds of W symbols instead of actually paying attention in class. They say you should live life without regret; then again, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Anyway, on one of my recent architectural digs in THE PIRANHA TANK I came across an old 6th form college diary from when I was 17, complete with a Thirstin Howl 'Polorican' sticker on the front and containing far more crude Wu Tang symbols and absolutely AWFUL rhymes (in my best attempt at 'grafitti handwriting') than references to or evidence of actual college work. I'm not saying I was a bad student, I was actually pretty good, but it was somewhat of a blast from the past to see exactly how obsessive I had become during that 6 year period. Unfortunately it seems that my ability to draw Wu Tang symbols and my ability to write lyrics were pretty much on par with each other in 1999. Thankfully my abilities in both fields have improved since then (I hope).

I don't really know what the point of this is, but I scanned a single page from this diary, and here it is, complete with one 'lyric' on the page (you will see what I mean about the handwriting). There was a whole 8 or 12 bars underneath but upon reading I deemed them to be so incredibly embarrassing that I decided to omit them from the picture for my own protection. The one that is there is more than enough.



"Hoes shout cause I grow sprouts - that's disgusting." Genius stuff. It actually shows I had a basic grasp of multi syllabics, but funnily enough that one line never found its way into a verse entire. There's stacks more of these in The Tank, literally stacks and stacks, which I will aim to rifle through next time I'm headed back to the motherland.

And in case you were wondering, the years of dedication and study paid off. I can now draw a virtually perfect Wu symbol without any visual aids (pause) or tracing paper. Like they say, no regrets. No regrets Dave, no regrets.



*Edit* - Google chucked this up, one that Method Man drew himself. Im officially better haha